Before i close my eye.

I'm trying. I try my best to make it become like what I've plan. But every time I try, it failed. I know what the problem. The problem is me. ME. I don't know why i can't follow my mind. I always follow my heart. But the end, I'm the only one crying alone, p/s : did I ask you to cry alone? FUCK! I know I can do it. Every time when I said I want do it, I know I can. I'm a strong girl. Even last night I'm crying like fucking crazy, but today morning I still can smile to all my friends, like nothing happen. I'm strong right? p/s : please say yes. But why I'm ruin everything? When it comes to end, I will ruin it. It only can last just only 1 day. Just "1 DAY"! What happen to me?

All this is for my own good. I know it. But I still can't understand, why I'm so hard to do it. Every time when i did it, I feel like half of my heart broken. But if I don't complete it, my heart will completely broken. I don't want it happen to me. Enough for me seeing my friend being through all that. 

Where can I find cure for this disease? I don't want dying like this.